November 02, 2009


1. A new Eon

The year is 2009. Times have changed, and revolutions began emerging one after the other. The new generation has taken its course bringing in a new age. With the new democracy taking effect the world today is at ease, and the comfort of 'slack' is the greatest feeling invented by man. Children, previously whipped into shape, no longer have the pressure of life weighing them down anymore. The aspiration to do 'great things' is no longer the greatest priority children think of. The society and everyone in it are deadbeat consumers that have no interest in bringing the slowest era in time to the grandest age it possibly can. There can be no greater disgrace to the word 'ambition'.

Despite all this, there are some who do wish to make it big for themselves, and are working hard to achieve it.

“Hey, pass!” A tranquil request came from the 18 year old Louis Crowley: Philadelphia’s current center forward on the Lincoln High basketball team. This youth wastes no time in discovering his true potential. He ran through the court, his carbon-black hair bouncing with each stride. He passed smaller folk with ease thanks to the incredible build he carried with him. “Ash, behind you man!” Lou’s arms were gestured in front of his chest to signal the pass. He temptingly followed his teammate’s lead calling out his name a good 3 or 4 times.

‘Ashton Dews’, Lou’s arrogant teammate, slash best friend, they’ve been together for as long as they can remember. Same schools, same age, same team and the same rivalry they started since the day they met. Ash was as brisk as he was proud, his draping auburn-shaded bangs could not cover the large grin stamped to his face. For him, being Lincoln High’s current point guard meant getting a one up on Lou.

The score was 110 Lincoln High, to 12 Benjamin Franklin High. Ash continued dribbling across the court noticing Lou’s signals, to which he gave a nod. He sprung passed two smaller players on the opposing team; it was as if he was playing tag, nobody could touch him. The defense barricaded the key distancing Ash from the net; Ash only gave a short smirk and ran up to the right defense man. He faked twice and again faking a jump shot, everyone’s eyes closed in on Ash as he danced with the ball. He suddenly flicked his arm back above the opposite defense man, leaving people clueless as they searched for the ball. There was Louis Crowley – his large body airborne, his hands grasping the orange ball above his head.

Now, this one picture alone made Lou look like a complete demon. His arms and legs were scrambled, his posture was a desperate leap toward the basket, and his face was daunting. His eyes were focused only on the net, the people around him - holding their breaths - were smaller than ants to him; this moment would last Lou days and days until he finally touched the rim of the encircled opening.

The only person moving was the young Louis Crowley, who at this point was slapping the net with everything he had. The crowd’s eyes were still shifting his way when the only sound echoing throughout the entire gymnasium was the sound of a basketball striking the polished wooden floor back and again, the intervals would shorten each bounce.

“Heh,” Ash forged another grin, “That idiot. He steals all the attention.” He scoffed contemptuously and began walking.

The buzzer went off and the crowd cheered like crazy, jumping out of their seats, it was another hero story and this hero had won it all for the team. The entire team rushed towards Lou and raised him up high. Each of them laughing and cheering, they were all so happy.

Of course, that’s not what actually happened. Here is what you'd have heard had you have been one of the two pros:

“Ash, behind you man!” Ash turned to see Lou’s hands gesturing an alley oop; they were in sync with each other even during this heat. He gave Lou a nod.

“You know it pal. I’ll set you up.” Ash had sped past the two forwards in the blink of an eye and was suddenly blockaded by 3 large players guarding the net. It was no hair of his chest as Ash ran up to the right side and began distracting their attention.

Lou had made his jump already and Ash was too busy goofing off.

“Hahaha,” Ash chuckled as he faked the captain of the opposing team. “They’re way too slow man. Check it out, Lou; they can’t even keep up.”

“Dude, stop showing off and let’s finish this.” Lou - still in mid-air - expecting a pass.

“I gotcha, but don’t steal all the light when you get this.” Their words were too quick too read as they moved as fast as lightning. Ash flung the ball over everyone’s heads and into Lou’s arms.

Lou’s perfect dunk was set in motion. It was time to end the show.

The buzzer went off and the crowd went wild. The team had obviously no clue what had just happened, but they ran to celebrate anyway, picking up Lou and cheering.

Ash smiled and walked away, watching his good buddy take all the credit. It was all the same to him; all he cared about was playing the game, winning came naturally. With the two of them on the team there would be no possible way to lose.

Can you believe Lincoln High won with over a hundred point difference? It’s unheard of.

Are you kidding? All of their games are like this. The opponent barely even gets a single shot in throughout the entire game.

It’s definitely those two that stole the game, the rest of the team pretty much sat back and watched it all happen.

You’re right. Louis Crowley and Ashton Dews, two of them very talented and very tall, people to watch out for.

Did you see them out there? They were so hot, haha.

The same words after every game could be heard from the stands, over and over again. Those two pros were in a league of their own and could dominate basketball, soccer, tennis, you name the game. They’ve completed everything that they’ve raced for; anyone would want to switch lives with them even for just a day. A talent such as theirs only comes every decade or so, and yet there’s two of them, they were like twins. They would get the girls, win the games and ace the grades. Simple high school students like these are not people you run into every so often, it was too remarkable.

“God, that was such an easy match against.... Hey Lou, do you remember the name of the school we just faced?” Ash pensively requested a reminder. He opened his locker and grabbed his bags.

“I couldn’t care less.” Lou’s expression was flat and plain. They had faced and won against so many teams that there was no point in remembering them all anymore. Lou grabbed his towel and wiped the river racing down his neck.

“Yea, I guess we can’t remember every loser we trounce. Haha!” Ash laughed some more and removed the remainder of his clothes, forgetting to close his locker behind him as he stepped into the showers.

They both finished and headed out, speaking not a single word to the rest of their teammates who were all still celebrating. Lou walked ahead and led the way down the empty hall. It was already 4:00pm meaning everyone had left the building, except for a certain someone.

“Let’s check up on Stan, he’s probably finishing up with his study group.” Ash pocketed his hands and walked up next to Lou who was still walking ahead of him.

‘Stanley Miles’; known for his achievements in the science and math departments, a person who likes to think outside the box. After these two genius all-stars, you wouldn’t believe another prodigy in the same year. Although, unlike the previous two, Stan does not consider himself, in anyway, different from any other student; he believes that pride is not something he should exemplify; throwing his personality around is not his favorite waste of time. He is the top class student in Physics, Chemistry, Calculus, Biology and the list goes on. His fluency to health-ordeals and bodily functions is said to rival that of the professors themselves; he could strip down the human body and rebuild it, blind-folded.

Ash and Lou made their way down the bleak, narrow halls which phased an ugly yellowish color as they walked even further. They finally reached their destination which was also the largest room in the school, second only to the gymnasium.

“Yo! Mister Physics man, you just about done with your slumber party?” Ash started with the jokes as soon as he walked into the large room. He was still snickering by the end of it whilst he stared at the 6 senior students seated around a tall-looking dirty blond-haired educator, books open and ears stationed his way. All of them were now glaring at the loud and obnoxious Ash, they all drooped their necks slightly hinting a ‘shut up’ motion.

“Hey, if you guys have time to get mad at me than you're really not making any progress," He pointed at their sagging heads and turned to Lou. "Am I right?” Ash ignored them and brought his snicker back into play. Ash was always getting his laughs at the people he deemed 'underneath' him.

“Ash, don’t be an idiot. Let’s let Stanley finish.” Lou was suddenly overcome with merriment from Ash’s gag. He grabbed Ash’s shoulder and sat him down next to Herald Blue, one of the many students Stan takes credit for. Blue had begun to regain his fallen grades in both math and English after he started attending Stan’s excellent coaching sessions.

Lou, in turn, took a seat next to Ash. “You don’t mind if we join in, do you buddy?” Lou used practicality and not idealism to win people over. Ash grinned and went with it; he didn’t mean to cause a stir.

Stan stood to his 1.87m tower of a body; A small novel in his hands that read ‘Moon Magic’. He wasn’t the muscle-bound creature you’d expect from a skyscraper. Although, he was perfectly proportioned, he was about the same build as Lou, mildly excessive. Stan adjusted his glasses from his nose; he brushed his short hair through and he spoke.

“It’s alright gentlemen. We were actually finishing up when you walked in.” He gave his proud smile to each and everyone of them. They all picked themselves from their seats and thanked Stan as they walked out. All of them passing Ash and Lou with rather irritated faces. They loved listening to Stan speak of the astonishing fables and philosophies he had to tell, and hearing them from his tone of voice made them all the more brilliant.

Five of the 6 that crowed Stan had left, leaving Stan, Ash and Lou. The 3 watched them all rushing themselves through the single door. The last one stayed to join the threesome.

“Yo, Lez, so you were here too, huh? Surprised you don’t get bored of listening to Bill Nye’s lectures all day.” Ash went straight for the cracks, which in turn handed him a first-classed bonk on the head from Stan. His large exterior wasn’t for nothing. Ash simply laughed it off.

“Hahaha. I can listen to Stan talk all day, I suppose.” Lesley Belial, definitely a babe if you ever saw one, and also one of the smartest people in the grade, and then some. Her long dark hair would mystify even the ghastliest of brutes, leaving them petrified whilst Lesley paced on leaving her venomous scent behind.

“Really? I don’t think I’d last a minute listening to this guy.” Ash continued his cracks receiving a second bonk from the silent giant.

Lesley had a slight interest in Stan for the longest while, and she knew Stan could tell. Stan showed the same amount of interest towards her, but he hadn’t the courage to express everything he felt towards her, leaving them bound by a close friendship that could only be broken by a miracle.

“Alright guys, enough teasing. Let’s head out already.” Lou was the main man behind this team of stars. He helped Ash and Stan clean up before commanding a forward-march. Lou would always come up with the ideas and initial the course of action. This was no gang he led, it was the king's of Lincoln.

The four of them walked back out into the phasing yellow hallway. There was no more staff or students left in the building, since class had ended about an hour ago, but the four of them marched on. Passing classrooms and passing stairwells until they finally pushed through the gates of their kingdom. They were like royalty leaving their thrown and walking into the streets of peasants, it was hard for them to not look down on these people.

Ash spoke more of his amazing performance in their final play, and Lou kept on correcting his story by telling it the right way, Lesley laughed at the pair arguing over superiority. Stan had smacked the two of them at least 3 times to get them to stop yelling; only having the two of them start batting back at him. These four were the best of friends. You could say that they knew each other rather well, and if anyone was anyone in Lincoln High, they’d know them as well.

“So anyway dude, Lou and I heard of this party happening tonight. We’re thinking of going. You guys in?” Ash secretly begged them. He would need Stan to say yes since Ash and Lou were car-less for the weekend.

“Sorry Ash, Lez and I were thinking of just hanging at my place tonight.” Stan turned to Lesley and then back at Ash. “You guys are more than welcome to join us, however.” Stan said this immediately afterward to avoid the awkward condition. “We’re just going to finish up some homework and maybe watch a movie. I’ve got plenty of them at my place.”

Lou jumped in so Ash wouldn’t bite Stan’s head off. “It’s cool, champ. I guess Ash and I don’t really have to go to this thing anyway. Could be for the best, I haven’t saved up anything to drink tonight.” Lou continued walking even more poised. Ash couldn’t end it this way, however.

“Well I’m still going, Lou. I haven’t partied in so long; I’m starting to feel like one of those workaholics.” He stared at his hands in disgust with those last few words. Ash looked back up and continued. “I still have a couple beers saved up. You in, Louie?”

“No thanks pal. Enjoy it, I think I’m gonna work on a couple of new moves for our next game.” Lou wasn’t trying to get out of going; he was really going to practice. It didn’t matter if Lou was in the highest league possible, he would practice until he’d drop. If he got cocky enough to take a break he would probably regret it later.

The four of them kept on walking. Each of them lived about 20 minutes from the school, so walking wasn’t the worst possible thing. The dull silence though Philadelphia was like walking through a black and white studio film, the rusty sidewalks and the jagged scenery was the best it would get around here.

Stan’s place was the first to pass, so it was goodbye to Lesley and Stan for the day. Ash and Lou continued their voyage and entered their old neighborhood that they’ve lived in for years and years.

“I’ll catch you later bro. Have fun tonight alright. Remember though, one girl is more than enough.” Lou smirked at his own remark; it was his way of saying ‘keep out of trouble or I’ll pound ya’.

“That’s what you think, man.” Ash’s come back was just what Lou expected to hear. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t try too hard.” They set off from each other and headed to their doors.

The neighborhood was quaint and peaceful, any parent would be lucky to raise their kids in such a small, but organized complex of houses. Door numbers 167-187, with odd on one side and even on the other. Twenty driveways and 20 cars, each lot looked more exquisite than the next. Lou entered 171 and Ash entered 176, only doors away from each other.

Whether they felt the extreme presence of someone watching them became irrelevant. Night-fall had come fast and so did this intruder of the shadows. Over the rooftops he sat. So high from the ground he was almost sitting on the moon. His long black hair followed in the wind, but the large man stayed dormant.

“Well, well. It looks like my intensive judgment worked in my favor this time.” The black shadow spoke, a voice filled with content. “I’ve finally found myself someone to play with. I bet Lily will be happy once I tell her.” The shadow-man began to look upward at the moon above him. The wind was now vicious and shrieked at the incredible aura around this man.

“I wonder if they’ve ever met the grim reaper in the presence of a crimson moonlight.” The mysterious man gave a small but deep snicker and hopped from the rooftops into the shadows once more, the feeling of gluttony disappearing with him, leaving only his words to echo through the crying breeze.


Deafmute said...

Very interesting. four prodogy perfect kids. characters come off well dialoge is good. Its a bit extreme though. with the story being about magic i am not sure if they are so perfect bc of some hidden power they possess or if they are just suppose to be prodogies. If they are at least for the moment not utilizing magic or any being the target of some unseen blessing i might suggest toneing them down to believeable levels of greatness. they can still be perfect and the best but maybe not inhuman. Could use a bit more description on them physically i got hair and build but that was about it on all four of them. other than that i liked it as the opening true chapter. mystery man catches us at the end to keep people reading so thats good.but i dont really like the opening. again it is a little like the opening to the prologue but the problem is unless the narrator is an identified person that is talking and we know who they are or least that someone is telling us this story, narration is not supose to be so causual. The opening comes off like just someones opinion and its not clean. You use the word "I" a lot and a narrator doesnt do this unless we are being told who the narrator is. so again rework the opening paragraph to something more general and less conversational and i think you will have a good first chapter. keep it up.

Crow said...

Thanks deafmute. lol, yea, normal people are definitely not supposed to be as super as these characters are. xD Don't worry, I'll get into that in the next one. But I guess it was kinda unrealistic?

You're right, I guess I kinda take a short Soliloquy myself here and there. I'll definitely try and leave the narration to a minimum from now on, and fix the incorrect prose I have in the beginning. I also noticed some spelling errors which is kinda embarrassing.

I basically concentrated on hair for the characters since I spent time on figuring the best that suited each of them. And I forgot to include other important features, sorry about that.

Once again, thanks for reading and for your constructive criticism, it is much appreciated. =D I'll revise it and keep writing.

Dan Luffey said...

Interesting first chapter, crow. I look forward to future installments.

Stuart said...

Good writing. Keeps the reader intersted as to why they hare such perfect students. This will be revealed to us in firther chapters I assume.

My comment o nthis chapter is more about the introduction of the black shadow (Grim Reaper) fellow. It felt like you were real excited about introducinh him that you over described the situation. Too many adjectives. It doesn't hurt to say 'him'or 'he' rather than 'The mysterious man' or'the shadow man'. Immediately he has grasped the readers interest. His dialogue is fine but keep it simple and mysterious. Also check your grammar on the last few paragraphs.

Keep it up.

Stuart said...

I make typos too....:)

Crow said...

Thanks again for more of you comments Stuart. =D

This character was, more or less, the beginning of what would keep the story moving at this point. It becomes more apparent later on his objective is.

Yes, and once again, you are right about the grammatical errors. Reading through it again after so long, I kinda feel embarrassed. I'll try and decrease the amount I make with the next chapters to come.

Thank you again. =D

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